it's been nearly two months since i last logged in. part of me wonders if it really makes a difference but then i realize that that lonesome, down-on-myself side needs to shut it and perk the heck up. the last month has been an uphill, steady climb. one that i am proud to be on the peak of, at this point, but also fully aware of the blessings that i have in my life because ultimately the bad times are still small, quite small, compared to what so many others are straddled with each day.

i had to say goodbye. well, in all honesty i said see you later rather than goodbye. i made a conscience decision to not say goodbye because the people that i had to leave are some of those rare beings that we consider gifts in one's life. each one of them taught me lessons that are incalculably valuable. without one, i would never have met my husband. without another, i would not have learned my strength. without yet another, i would not have learned to look outside of my own feelings and perspective and see it another way. and without another, i would not have learned how to be a good friend/spouse. there were other beings there that represent comfort, closeness, trials, and opposition. that my first job taught me this much, i am forever indebted. that i walked away with four of the closest friends i could ask for, i am forever blessed.

the last week i was set to work, i got utterly and horrifically sick. allergies have been plaguing the masses as winter has decided to go into hibernation this year and present us with a hybrid extended fall/early spring.

my poor little daffodils are blooming weeks and weeks before they should be. i have horrible 80's-style, humidity-possessed wavy curls made worse with frizz. and with the sniffles that i was certain i would kick (because i am wonder woman-duh) came the plague. i am lucky enough to get the plague once in a blue moon...meaning that i rarely get this kind of sick. usually i can make it through winter just fine or with a simple cold that is kicked in a day or two. oooohhhh no. not this year. the last time i was kicked around this hard was in 2008. it started with a little cough (combined with the sniffles that had been present for weeks) that quickly ravaged my body with chills, no voice, sore throat, migraine, lack of ability to sleep, chronic congestion, and a general feeling of wimpiness. i had no appetite and resorted back to a state of toddlerhood: needing to be cared for, loved on, and fed. my mom brought me soup nearly everyday as she saw me stop eating. (my throat hurt too badly.) two rounds-15days-, 6 boxes of tissues, 2 jugs of oj, 12 boxes of tea, and a week of steroids later, i felt human again. i made the mistake of going into public a couple of times to grocery shop, try to work out (twice), and go back to work, only to find that people viewed me like a demon lady...i really cannot blame them entirely. i wasn't contagious but the cough sounded like i was spreading a hearty case combo of bird-swine flu. not lady-like, nor appealing. but yes, i beat it! wonder woman, indeed!

this lovely bought of plague made me miss my last week of work. which made me cry....which was even more pathetic due to the fact that i had no voice so all that was left was the ugly-face-cry and silent sobs. but i got my voice back just in time to start my new job.....wait for it....student teacher!!!!

i did not get the school of my choice but i am loving lake highlands high. after some tumultous changes and a few scraped knees, this new teacher has begun to settle in. i'm teaching two senior english classes as of late, and we just finished up macbeth. getting these kids to change their tune is similar to trying to blow your nose when your sinuses are flared shut. you can feel a tug of relief as something starts to happen so you keep at it but it's so dang frustrating that you almost want to just let it lay. but you know it's for the better good to keep at it so you do and finally get that tissue full of sinus and know that life is better and healthier for it. change hurts...but the kind of change i am attempting really is for their benefit. they need to interact more, work together, speak their minds, PARTICIPATE. and please do not get me started on the respect issue. that's a whole other post.

at the end of the day i feel good. stronger, wiser, and tired...but ready for tomorrow. i enjoy the drive to work, wondering what the day will bring...slowly, surely, nails-scraping-the-floor-and-curse-words-under-their-breath changing their minds and opinions of learning. we're going to do this together, darn it all.

more updates soon...for now, i need to start brainstorming some activities for brave new world...any ideas? happy days and small victories for all!

hot tea and s'mores

today i just want to spout thankfulness...

thankful for a huge mug of hot tea to help cure the sniffles.

thankful for a run on sunday and monday that i am still feeling today...because it means i am alive.

thankful for a hubby who comes home and gives me a kiss on the forehead to check on me when i am bundled under layers of goose down, fleece, and sweatshirts.

thankful that no matter what, we have what we truly need. we are blessed.

thankful for parents who love unconditionally.

thankful for a sister who causes my brain's neurons to spark and fire with wit and bountiful new knowledge.

thankful for two furbabies who, with all their issues are still with us and provide so much love.

thankful for new family who supports, loves, and is always there with a hug and a smile.

thankful for friends who know me...sometimes better than i know myself. and support me through it all.

thankful to be done with the classes needed for certification and for the support i have been amply provided with from loved ones, coworkers, and friends.

thankful for this season...all it's wonder, spirit, family-ness, loveliness, light, giving, and for all that it means.

for the love...

we have a pup named Campbell. i spoke of her frequently on the blog as she's our first 'baby' together even though i brought my little old man, Oliver, into the relationship. i also have a pile of of unwrapped, yet bagged Christmas gifts hidden in the back of the guest room closet. well, Cammi is like any small child, except covered in fur, likes to eat dog poo, and drools more than the average bloodhound, and managed to find my stash. she rummaged through, picking out only the best gifts, in her fine, pure bred opinion. snobby little beast. she proceeded to destroy packaging for earrings, hair pins...but thankfully left the present itself intact. she also destroyed my new ornament for 2012, a cute newspaper owl. then she went for broke and pulled out a bag of gourmet coffee and tore that sucker right open like any child of a caffeine addict would.

yes, that marley-of-a-mutt ate that whole damned bag in the middle of the night. yes, caffeine is toxic to dogs. and this is three days after she had been put on phenobarbital to prevent the seizures we found out she was having because she is - wait for it - TOO HAPPY. she gets too excited and happy and has a seizure. so i awoke to the sound of click-click-click-click back and forth from the other room. i went out and smelled coffee instantly but thought the hubs had just set his fancy-schmancy coffee pot on auto. i found the dog pacing back and forth in a straight-ish line in the living room. back and forth, back and forth. i figured she needed to go out so i let her out. she went out and sprinted full speed through the entire back yard for a good 5 minutes. i then pulled her back in and tried to barricade her in our room to get her back to sleep and laid back down.

i was just at the point of sleep - you know, that glorious moment where you're finally drifting back into a sound slumber and start to hallucinate your dreams - and my brain suddenly clicked...could she? would she? this is right about the time Campbell is unpopping the door to let herself out again because she is WIRED. yes. my brain answered my fear...she ate that damned bag. she was drinking water like it was going outta style so i kept filling it up...this will help clear her system, my sleep-fogged mind is thinking. i let her back out...this is when i think she either pooed or threw up the first half of the bag (there are nice piles of pure, whole beans in the yard, thank you.). i then checked her heart beat again. it was fairly normal! so i refilled her water and laid in the hall with her to try to get her to calm down a bit. nope...just click-click-click...

i checked her heart beat pretty routinely that night and after a good 3 hours, she finally came back into the room and laid on the bed. she did not sleep though. by the time hubs awoke, he found three more piles of coffee-based vomit (good thing they smelled like coffee-the WHOLE house smelled like coffee by this time.) and Cammi at the baby gate whining to get out. he told me later that she tore around the backyard for the next 20 minutes while he got ready.

i checked her heart rate before leaving for work and called my mom to come check on her during the day. by the time i had made it home, she had dumped both water bowls over in her crate, had shifted her crate 3/4 of the way around and there was water and dog hair everywhere. it looked like there had been some sort of friggin animal fight in there. she then ran around the backyard again for a good 20 minutes. by dinner though, her caffeine withdrawals had set in and she took to this gutteral, sad, low whiney howl. she was detoxing. now, if she had been in any danger at this point, of course i wouldn't find this at all humorous. but the dog has been taught NOT to rummage, dig in the trash, eat dog poo, and has a bazillion fancy and nice expensive toys so it really was a lesson hard learned for her.

long story long, she's fine....won't go near coffee...and has taken to rummaging through the 'dog-proof' trash cans again. i found her with an old disposable razor blade the other night in her mouth. i mean seriously, if the dog wasn't spoiled rotten, completely infatuated with my hubs, and outright smiles all the time, i'd think she was trying to off herself! we've upped the trash and dog security around the house and i will be wrapping all gifts this weekend. i'll replace the coffee in a few weeks, right before Christmas so she can't get into it again!

i hope y'all enjoyed another chapter in the crazy book of life in newlywed land. but life is grand, ain't it?! i mean, our pup survived something that should have killed her and that's a big enough blessing for me this year.

have a wonderful weekend, all!

deep thoughts

yes, that's right...i'm having a deep thoughts kinda week...a so deep they squeak kinda week (thanks jack handy!). the last couple of weeks have been rough and family-focused. but always bright. always remembering the good things and memories while moving forward.

thankfulness. there is really no way to accurately express the levels of thankfulness i have felt lately. but i'm am going to try, so please bear with me. blog-related: i am thankful for the few readers that i have swing by my blog. i now just need to figure out how to get them to leave comments so i stop feeling like i'm talking to myself (again....). i am thankful i have this outlet in my life to release, to decompress, to share and maybe reach someone, make them smile, or get them reading (that's the future lit teacher talking). i am thankful to have had this blog to write my feelings out after losing libs. i think that really helped me start to feel better. going to my parents house has been hard...i still want to see that face greet me. i know it'll get easier though. i am thankful for the blogs i get to read that bring smiles to my face on hard days and keep me running!

work-related: i am so thankful my work hubby and her hubby are having a baby. my 'psychic' dreams are sending me mixed messages though about whether she's having a girl or a boy. either way, they'll be amazing parents (as long as DJP doesn't get his name vote!). i am thankful for such amazing, supportive, happy, loving, kind coworkers...who are like family. there's the crazy siblings, mom and dad figures, psycho members, and those we love to wonder about. it has made these last four and a half years fly by and will make leaving mid-january very hard. many tears will be shed from these eyes!

hubby-related: i am so thankful for him. especially this time of year, when we get to make new traditions, plan our future and get excited, decorate, shop together, dine together, laugh and cuddle in the cold, and the times when it hits me still - he's mine - we're married...it makes me so happy. he pushes me to be better, to live stronger, and to love harder. i just love him.

family-related: i am so, so thankful for them...for bringing new members in and getting to celebrate seasons with them and be there to support each other through the hard times. our family is fiercely strong - extended and direct. we lean on each other and protect. there is really no describing this mishmash, hilarious, brilliant, strong, proud, and loving crew. without my parents, i would be no where. they are my strengths so many hard times and have built me to be stronger than i knew i could be. my sister has pushed me to look at life in different ways. she is my polar opposite but completes me. i love her more than she could ever know. i have a new sister, who i greatly admire and love. and a new mom and dad. they are so generous and kind. loving...they show so much love. i love them all.

friends-related: my friends who are my family. i have added many new ones this year, which always pushes my heart and proves to me that i am capable of loving so much more than i knew possible. they are pieces of me that are missing or that add to my personality. friends are kind of wonderful in that way. they fill in the gaps and holes in your life where you need them...and you do the same for them. i have my friends that have been with me through the impossibly hard times and the magnificently wonderful times. they are family now. i could not love them more.

i am thankful for the time i've had to really examine what i want to do and where i am going. that feeling that i am moving on to something that is going to be good for me. i am so grateful for the time i've had with loved ones, for the lessons that i've learned from others, and for the smiles i've been able to provide to others.

Turkey Day recap...well, really, just the 8-mile-run-in-serial- killer-weather recap: weather was cold at first. waiting for the DART rail to get us to the Trot start was horrific. when we finally got on the rail, we were jammed in like crushed little wine grapes. the best part about this though was that it warmed us up! i had to lean against the door and at each stop, i had to make sure that door wasn't due to open, otherwise i'd be falling bassackwards out. that would not have been the best way to start 8 miles. so we make it and get shifted to the front since we're timed runners (AWESOME!). it took around 2 minutes to get over the start. there were around 38,000 runners! even more participated with dogs, babies, etc. this was the longest run i've had since bouncing back from injuries and taking running time off to do the Paleo-CF challenge so i was really not prepared (bad, bad, bad lindsay). the first 4.5 miles were utter poo. now, my second mile was an 8-minute mile which must have been an act of God! i brought some cliff shot bloks, which were my saving grace, and some energy jelly bellies. those were too hard to break into while running. as i ran, i had an ample supply of tissues to blow my constantly draining nose, i stripped off a fleece at first, then the long sleeve turkey trot t (poo on y'all for cotton tshirts! but uber cute design!) and made it down to the technical short-sleeved t i had on under that all. i must have looked like a bag lady, but i'm used to that. let's just pretend that if those weren't tied around my waste, i would have ran like 4 minutes faster, mkay?! so the first hill was a steady 1/4 mile incline...not a slow, smooth, nice meandering type hill either. we're talking like HELLO, mini-dallas-mountain! Ugh. then we ran across the serial killer fog-enriched bridge...which was actually pretty peaceful. after i dodged a dead bird and opossum, we ran around some apartments and such before taking another more-meandering but still intense hill up to the bridge again. then i saw my saving grace - the 6 mile mark! i was determined to jet at that point. a kid that had stopped to tie his shoe zoomed in front of me, cutting me off and nearly made me trip on my clumsy self but i recovered, popped another blok and heard the crowds and music nearing. the last tiny hill nearly killed me though. for serious. i felt my heart strain, i think...OLD LADY ALERT! as i pushed up it, trying with all my might to bust it. i finished it in about 1hr 23 minutes. not terrible, but not awesome. BUT no real injuries (just a little pain)!!!!!! and i really only walked once. for that, i was most proud. especially since i almost choked on the bloks while running and chewing them and trying to breathe through my massive snot-filled nose.

SO-after like two days of hobbling around due to soreness from my lack of training (bad, bad, bad lindsay), i am really happy that i finished it! i'll be training for a half in march/april now.

school is wrapping up now as well...so back to the books and paper writing! Cheers!

Libby

We lost our sweet, sweet girl after 14 wonderful years on Friday. My dad had to make the hard decision but my mom told me that she could tell that Libby was ready....you could see it in her eyes. That day she stopped eating, which for a lab is one of their two main reasons for living. :) (The second being their master) So on Friday, Libby went to her perfect spot filled with rabbits and corn on the cob and various choice cuts of meat. And I know without one doubt that when we leave this place, she will be right there waiting, tail wagging furiously.

a better yet crazy week!

there are truly no words to express how utterly grateful my little ole heart is that this week is just about kaput, finished, done, fin at work. sophomore and freshman registration have to be like the 8th layer of hell. this year seems worse than last. maybe because the semester has taken a beating on me already? maybe because i am winding down my career here and getting ready to begin a new one? maybe because i am an old, cantankerous granny? i'm liking that last one to be the real truth. HA! BA HUMBUG! except not. the christmas music is flowing out of my speakers in my office, the cinnamon-apple-vanilla scentsy mix is spicing the air magnificently, i have pulled out the hearty teas and started adding honey to them again after a long few non-sweetened weeks....and i am cheerful!

last weekend was hard yet satisfying. we had a good, loving time with Libby and our family. yes, she's doing a bit better than the last week but she's tired. she's hanging on though, God bless her. i got to spend a goodly amount of time with my little sister though, which is always so fun. she is the polar opposite of me but is really just an amazing soul.

the hubs decided to support me in my crazy running lovefest and run with me in the homecoming nighttime 5k this week. tuesday it was a HUMID, balmy 80 degrees-cue sweater dress and peep toe heels in november! but wednesday night, however, for the 5k we dropped into the upper 40's. this time, cue the frozen snot and toes. BUT i totally PRed this little bad boy...all while wheezing my granny behind through the campus and talking myself out of walking up the mini-hills that my non-training behind was feeling. but walk i did not. i ran the entire thing - not a huge step for most runners but given the time of year and my flair up of allergy-induces asthma, i'm going to go ahead and feel a little proud. i shaved my normal 10 minute miles down to 9:46 on average. this has really given me the boost i need to shove running back into my currently crossfit-driven routine.

speaking of the CF/Paleo challenge....I HATE PALEO. i wrote candidly about the effects Paleo was having on my digestive track a few weeks ago. there were incidents where i feared for my sanity, others sanity after hearing my gut noises, and no one should ever have to worry about making it to the bathroom in time. not even my worst enemy. no, i never had an accident but i sincerely worried about it! and that's enough to get the i-hate-this-shit vote from me. too.much.meat. my body doesn't function well on it. so i added back dairy protein, continued to try to eat as much meat as i could stomach, and after two and a half weeks, added some gluten-free carbs back in on occasion. now, on Paleo-light, as i call it, we're getting along much better. i am feeling stronger and although i cannot tell if i've lost weight, i know my body is changing. i know that when i eat less carbs, i do drop weight really fast. damn. those things are my soul mates. but heck, i can moderate them. it hasn't killed me yet. :) and i've even developed some killer little side-shoulder muscles. yep, i get REAL technical on this here blog!

so we're on the downhill slide to turkey day and a sweet, sweet four day weekend. oh- and dad's apple pie! DROOOOL! Paleo ends the day before turkey day and the hubs is supporting me once again and going on an 8 mile trot the day of. it's supposed to be 60's so it sounds pretty superb to me. 8 miles means i get to eat like 20,000 calories and not feel bad, right? nah.

have a WONDERFUL weekend, y'all!

i had a dream...

cue momentous, glorious, angelic singing and fireworks...

no, seriously. i have an extremely active dream life. sometimes it's so much cooler than my real life i wish i could just flip with my dream-self. like, the other night i went and ran a marathon with SR -SkinnyRunner- and then i drove to Cali and stayed with Limey and we created a new beer and became best friend bazillionaires. 'Twas amazing. actually it was pretty damn hilarious because somehow i managed to offend SR's momma by my foul Texas mouth. in all honesty though, i really don't curse all that frequently. usually only to get my point across or if i am in a particularly offensive mood, which that day i had been - so i guess it makes sense. but during our dream-marathon, we killed all the spring park mom's times and kept talking about froyo while we were running the stairs portion of the mary. why were there stairs? probably because this mary-virgin has never seen a real marathon and thus her dream life created a monster-beast to run. i am also really confused as to why Limey wasn't running too since i found her blog through SR.

then i woke up.

okay...enough blog stalking, mad-craziness for one day...week...lifetime. have a good one! i'm back in the freshman trenches. pray for me.

our sweet girl

Edited: my dad took Libby in to the vet today and got more hopeful news. this is my dad's and libby's path and decision to make, so i have to respect what he decided. we are pushing off the appointment tomorrow as she was suffering from a withdrawal of prednisone and that is why she took a turn for the worse. so this weekend, we are going to celebrate Libby and Thanksgiving all together, as a family, one last time. for her, but mostly for my dad. you can tell she's tired. she's such a fighter though. i went to see her tuesday night. she still recognizes me and gets so excited! we spoiled her with roast chicken and she nearly took two of my fingers with one of her snappish bites. she knows she's getting treated special. i think she's ready. as i type this, a lump is sitting in my throat. i hate that feeling of knowing you are doing something good but in the same breath, knowing how badly it is going to hurt you and those you love most. this was my father's decision as she is his baby. i know my father loves my sister and me but the ample and freely shown love that he gives to his Libby is remarkable. she has awakened a long quiet part of him that i hate to see shrink away. i hope, oh how i pray, that he will once again find a companion like her again. it's so hard to think that this little fluff of fur that paraded into our lives and has been an ever-present source of love and happiness for half of my life won't greet me at the door anymore after tomorrow. i promise, to her and to my dad, to be strong. i promise to shield the pain i feel for them, to be the anchor amidst this helpless storm that will shake my father's faith.

i know this might sound absurd to some people. she is a dog, yes. but to anyone who has known the love of an animal, they are family. she was my parent's soul-remaining child when my sister and i left for college. she was our sibling...the many calls to dinner i answered when my dad was yelling, "Libby"...and meaning Lindsay. or the Ri-Bai-Bo-Wil-Libby-Lindsay's i got when i said something ridiculous or cursed. so to my girl, my best friend growing up, tomorrow i will be strong for you. and i know you'll be with us forever.

liberty belle

for every pet parent, there comes a day when the most painful yet loving action you ever have to make is lying at your feet. for half my life, this face: has been waiting at the door for me to come home. she has been destructive beyond your wildest imagination, crazed, gross, but all that remains is the love that she endlessly supplied to us and especially to her master, my dad. the love and bond that they share is remarkable. my dad grieved when we lost our childhood pup, Charlie, but Charlie had always been my mom's dog. Libby was and will always be with my dad. her place by the marble fireplace will stay constant, even when her body is gone, i have the utmost faith that her spirit will remain. her love for my father, and for us as well, is so pure and strong that there is no way that death could ever separate her from us. that might sound crazy but i honestly believe it to be true. this friday, our girl will join our GusGus, Willy, Simon, Hobbes, Miles, Murphy, and Charlie dog in heaven. in a few months, she would have made it to 15. for a pure-bred lab, that's unheard of. she is an amazingly strong..she has been amazingly strong for us.

she was my best friend through so many dark, teenage angst ridden hours. her faithfulness restored so much in me.

she is our family's constant. she has taught us how to love, to respect, to honor, to feel, to push ourselves, and what faith is. she'll always be our Libby. no dog will ever live up to her, but we'll add another love to our lives when it is time - not to replace her, never, but to honor her and to continue the love and rescue another.

our girl. our Libby.

Paleo-CrossFit Challenge...

AKA: 30 days where Lindsay cannot eat beans, rice, mallows, peanut butter, cereal and milk, steel cut oats, lots of fruit, pizza or pasta and might just be a cranky b!tch.

but I am going for it. CrossFit-I love...Paleo, well right now we have a love-hate relationship. Let me begin by warning all that my mother is a nurse, and due to that occupation, she had a more open/honest style of childhood rearing. Now that that little nugget of information has been planted, let's move on. I am a natural eater, mostly. I do enjoy Prosecco, beer, marshmallows, and candy corn on occasion though. Mostly though, I tend to eat a lot of grains, fruit, dairy, and a little lean meat. If given the choice between a big ole juicy burger and a black bean burger, I'll be picking the bean one, most likely. It's just how my tastes have developed and how I have learned that my gut responds best. Over the years, I have suffered from acid reflux due to high internal stress harboring (when my dad would have to travel, I'd get a chronic tummy ache), migraines, in grad school I got an ulcer, and I learned pretty quickly that if I ate too much meat of any kind, it was coming back out - one way or another (here's where the open/honest nurse rearing comes in....ahahaha, that sounds all kinds of wrong. but bear with me.). On any given day, you will find me walking into work with a bag full of tubs of fresh fruit and veggies, some hummus and/or yogurt (Greek yogurt, please), possibly a granola bar/rice cake/or baked corn tortilla product, and beans with rice. image

I can pack on a lot...I'm like a mule. So this new mostly meat diet is not doing my body good right now. My tummy is making absolute horrific (for lack of a better word) fart sounds. And no, I don't need to. It just starts churning and gurgling and BAM right in the middle of a student's audit, my stomach emits one of these God-awful sounds. Fabo. Let's try to explain that away. So I will stick with this fart-stomach-diet for a while but I'm on the defensive now. And I miss my damn beans and rice. Oh - and those did NOT cause me to fart. Nope.

Okay, on to other topics...a special shout-out to the amazing cousin we are coming to visit this weekend! I am so super excited about this! Savannah has been on my list of places to visit for years so how convenient and lovely of her to choose to move there so I can accomplish that little Bucket List item?! No, but for real, she's had a babe and a life in the last two years and I have *so* missed her and cannot wait to meet little Madeline! So tomorrow morning at 5:30, we'll be flying out on a girls trip - just me, the little sis, and momma. After a two hour car ride from Jax to Sav, we'll be there! I'll really miss these faces though: Here's to happy, family-filled weekends for everyone!